


The Buddhamobile

by Darkbeetlebot



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Madness, One Shot, Plot Twists, Randomness, Short, Short One Shot, Stupidity, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 06:37:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkbeetlebot/pseuds/Darkbeetlebot
Summary: Someone steals the Myouren Temple's fruit salad, and Byakuren is not pleased.This was made back in 2016, but I never posted it --- until now.





	The Buddhamobile

Byakuren is in the middle of meditating in some undisclosed section of Myouren Temple, when Ichirin suddenly bursts into the room yelling, "Ms. Hijri!"

Byakuren replies calmly, "Yes, Ichirin?"

Ichirin screams in sheer terror and dumbfoundedness, "Somebody stole our fruit salad!"

Byakuren slowly creaks her head to towards Ichirin and a dark atmosphere befalls her, " **What?** "

Ichirin restates, "It's all gone!"

Byakuren stands up and clenches a fist in front of her, "Do I have to Namusan a bitch?"

Ichirin flinches and begs her to stop, "H-Hijiri, you mustn't!"

However, Byakuren is having _none of that bullshit_. She swooshes her cape to the side while turning away, then points to the north before yelling, "Come, my sister, TO THE BUDDHAMOBILE!" Suddenly, a _tie-dyed sports car surfaces from the floor of the temple on a pedestal!_

Ichirin stares, more confused and shocked than before and yells at her, "Where did you get a car!?" She somehow understands what a car is.

Byakuren turns back to her and smiles with a rather lax look about her and asks, "Remember the buddhacycle?"

Ichirin facepalms, "Please stop that."

"That." Byakuren continues regardless.

Ichirin then interrupts her and exclaims with the upmost 'what', "What kind of miracle is this!?"

Byakuren points at Youkai Mt., "One from that nice girl on the hill!"

Ichirin's eyes go wide, "That's a mountain, and she's a shinto priestess!"

Byakuren waves that off, "Mixing religions is fine for something like this!"

Ichirin argues with her in vain, "Stay faithful, please!"

Byakuren then hops into the Buddhamobile and turns the engine on, "Ichirin, we mustn't waste more time; the grapes will all be gone if we don't hurry!" She then begins to rev the engine up, making skid marks on the floor.

Ichirin sees no open door for it to go through. She reaches out and attempts to stop her, "Wait, Ms. Hijiri! Don't just go driving through the temple walls!"

BUT SHE DOESN'T LISTEN, "Namusan!"

" ** _NOOOOOOO!!!_** " Ichirin screams in slow-motion!

It's too late, the Buddhamobile blasts through the temple walls at the speed of namusan, making a Byakuren-shaped hole in the wall and leaving behind a trail of rainbows and tire marks. Just moments later, Shou runs in, looking for Byakuren.

"Where...?" she starts to ask, but is interrupted by Ichirin, who stands there, staring in deadpan at the hole in the wall.

"This world has corrupted our Hijiri."

"She can't comprehend corruption." Shou argues completely seriously.

Ichirin squints directly at Shou and says, "She drove a car through the temple." completely monotonously.

Shou immediately assumes, "Is it Nue?"

"No."

"Is that hole Nue?" Shou guesses.

"No."

Shou tries to guess again but is interrupted, "Is--"

Ichirin is suddenly all up in Shou's face, " **You are Nue.** "

And then Shou was Nue.

" _GASP! How did you know!?_ " she screams, not understanding that you should actually gasp and not say it.

"Fix that hole." Ichirin commands.

Nue fixed the hole by hiding it. Life continued as normal and the buddhists got their fruit salad back. However, they ran out of bacon. Shou went hungry that night. The incident of the Buddhamobile destroying Reimu's shrine was never resolved.


End file.
